Fluttering Instances of Mind-Speech

Again, my hands uplift to quell the blunt disarray of icy cold earth, eyes cast bright as the stars as I fall ever deep into the chasm of fire and emotion, your whim my devotion as I lose the structure of my sanity in the resolve of limitless time and space instead. Falling, constellations a blur against the backdrop of uncertainty as my reach becomes futile to the weightless dismay of words, my hopes cast upon the wishes of departed adventurers seeking distant worlds of love and hate, but I can’t join them. I’m still falling…Soaring beyond the galaxies of my blinded understanding until the length of my back spreads long against the mantle of the most known, the surge rippling the ache through bone and sinewy tendrils of understanding.

I have been here before, body wracked with the pulse of the clashed embrace of gravity, surging through to cast these star studded eyes to the darkened heavens. I know this place well, swearing I’d never return, hearing the faintest echo of life to stir my rousing passions only to feel once again the earth beneath my flesh. I have fallen, the hard caress of tortorous stings as the cosmos swirls in fleeting delight…this is oh so familiar, scented stardust shrouds and the chipped debris of my sanity must plume in mushroom clouds of understood failure and destruction before it settles along the upper layer of a stoic visage.

But, this collision would birth me, made anew to become reborn. Dare I stand, a new heavenly body; magnificent and regal? Dare I stand, ethereal soul building substance in an unknown world, standing firm against anti-matter of confusion and angst? My bounds will know no bounds, my mind a worthy vessel, mine ever forward…dare I stand.

Unraveling within my mind burns the sweet decay of your torturous echo, the taut dismay strewn across the canvas of a tattered sight left untorn, a battered plight to be reborn in the flames of uncertainty.. the aims of misery set to unyielding degress in this resounding array, the confounding display of my inner phoenix.

To be made anew, I must burn to ash within the coils of my own demise, the toils of my own disquise simmering with the embered sting of your voice, the rendered fling of your choice casting me into perpetual fire, a conceptual ire that pangs within the the unmatched depths of my soul, forming a burning plume beyond my control to spiral me into oblivion.

Let me burn..because only then can I return.

..letting in you in so deep.

Momentary Paradise

Thank you for this momentary lapse in the eager grasp of my angst, the meager clasp of those undying heartstrings that refuse the things that keep me from turning away from your momentary shine, the feeling of you being mine, embraced in my arms in momentary paradise. Oh how you never cease to entice the throbbing beat within my chest, a bobbing heat from hot to cold and cold back to the interlacing tingle, the forward facing mingle of my skin to yours even if within the mere contours of your hug. Even in this momentary caress of your words, this voluntary undress of our walls, I find the cradle of unwavering serenity, a joy in savoring the divinity of all things us.

Momentary becomes forever in the absence of inhibition, us beating away at our rendition of love’s reawakening. Momentary becomes undying amidst the conception of each sweetened kiss, resting in the fluttered bliss of our self-proclaimed paradise. Momentary becomes eternal as passions interlock against the racing tock of our narrowed time. Momentary becomes paradise, locked away in the trenches of our secrets, replayed only in the heat of my imagination. Your brevity is all I can ask for in this forbidden world, longevity of my spirit I ask of myself for the road ahead hopes to deprive me of more momentary paradise.

And we set out upon a road most traveled, on a path that rivaled the passions of a fervent sea without so much as a wayward bat of an eye made ever watchful. We were graceless birds taking to turbulent winds of natural happenstance, able minds unreadied yet willful hearts soaring in any direction but backward. We were new, birthed from the lofty embrace of a laughter deep-rooted in love to acknowledge the fact that we were, indeed, present. I was lost in a gaze; your gaze. You were trapped in a smile; my smile. We were hooked in a moment; our..moment. Though, as any second must give his silent tic to every transcendent toc, every ‘Now’ must fall away, kneeling in the shadow of an omniscient ‘Then’ powerless to change what has become etched into the granite of bodiless time. So, as we set out upon this road most traveled, a path rivaled by the darkest winter night wrought with the brisk rememberance of ebbing heat, I look to an uncertain future. And, as I dive deep into the familiarity of your now fleeting eyes, never before have I wanted anything more than one last kiss.

I long for nigh hour at which mine own, beating and bloody, no longer pulses with the ache of an unreturned.. That day a dreaded wake..If only, in beguiled understanding, did just intentions be made mental manifest.. This life would subject itself to be beared. But, i suppose fault is sure, haste a downfall faced in a time of uncertainty and mind made eager. My touch…a mere placement of unstable dreams, unreal and seemingly pointless in the eyes of pressured discourse of the mind.

Now that I’ve gone through my days of over-dramatic rambling, I’m pretty sure I’ve re-established my mental/emotional equilibrium yet again. Gotta love my neurotic coping strategies. Intellectualization for the win.

I used to tell myself that it was pretty impossible for me to be used, since I didn’t have nearly as much hangups about sex as most people, that to be used would ultimately, in turn, mean I was in fact using them. But, to be used goes beyond the realms of the physical, a phenomenon I was not quite aware of in its fullest extent. I wasn’t quite aware that the smiles and laughs, ‘I love you’s and ‘don’t leave’s were simply the the shallow comforts of someone in need, regardless of where it came. Welp…now I am. I needed this heartache…deserved it even, as I’ve put others through it. Of course, being a child of psychology, I knew what it was subconsciously…but, with my own need to connect, I was kind of walking blindly…something I rarely do.

Ironically, though, this just hardens my heart…yea more than it was already…making me realize why I’ve always feared happiness after living so long without it. It makes me more prone to sadness…and I’d rather not feel anything(aka my depressive level of contention that I’m comfortable with) than wallow in sadness. Sadness takes control of my thoughts, my sanctuary, and I don’t allow anything to unwillingly take my sanctuary.

So, touche, God…though, I won’t completely utilize the lesson just yet. Still got some shit to sort out in my head. Ya know?

Took a personality test… If you know me.. http://typelogic.com/entj.html Do you agree?

I’m always being told that I think too much, that I need to use my heart and not my head to feel and understand situations. Thank you for your opinion, now kindly fuck yourself…kay thanks. No offense, of course. I wasn’t a small child who woke up one day and said “Hey! I’ll just stop feeling today! Maybe I’ll be happier when I don’t regard my emotions! =D” I’ve had practice…I would feel for something then be forced to crush those feelings. I’ve cared then was forced to cast my own heart aside. I’ve been lied to countless times, disappointed at every turn, and verbally/mentally/emotionally abused beyond my own psychological recognition. I’m always being told that things will get better, or that blah blah blah…bullshit blah blah, but…Kindly, and ever so gently, shut the fuck up…kay thanks. No offense, of course. I don’t want to feel anymore, I just want to think, rationalize and assess. Yea, I’m damaged, and, duh, so is everyone else…but I never claimed to be everyone else. But, alas, this is who I am…So, kindly, and with the utmost care, fuck off…kay thanks. No offense, of course.

After rereading, I realize that I sound upset…nope. I just like the word fuck. A lot.

girlbomb21:

thanks for the picture ashley….Red Cross has this class with certification to my followers btw!i posted this on facebook not to long ago remember lady taquito?

And I remain, nestled by the intricately thorned embrace of my dying soul, my incessantly crying eyes casting a shadowed reflection of the unimportant air of my presence, a withering essence, a slithering decadence of my heart into the fold of the unknown. Oh how I wish to sever the trembling strings that reach to clasp at the throat, happily cutting away the ethereal remnants of all things uplifting. And just so I’m not taken seriously… I’ll end this with a JK…

So much pain, spindled by these hands, perpetuated by these lips…how dare I seek the solitude of lasting forgiveness if I dare not grant it to myself, the purest strand of hatred lacing within these browned irises, their flow threatening to divulge the weakness within me…I deserve not the care I receive, the deceit upon my tongue an overbearing mess of half-truths and untold lies. Why won’t they leave me to my inevitable peril, my appraching demise as if they know not the depths of who I am. And just so I’m not taken seriously… I’ll end this with a JK…

Her favorite color is indigo..

Hmm…I don’t have many secrets, though if I had to choose one it would have to be that I am polyamorous... I tend not to tell people that, mainly because most of society has no idea what it really means to be polyamorous. “So you just want more than one woman at the same time?” No…not exactly. “So, you’re not really looking for a real relationship?” That’s not it at all. “You don’t really love one person fully, right…one is primary?” Yea…that’s not it either. “So you’re a cheater?” There is fidelity in polyamory… “So you don’t care if your girl is the same way? You must not care about her…” It’s about emotional trust and honesty, something of greater value than superficial titles of ownership upon one another. “So you’re taking the easy road…” Well, I’d argue that polyamory is the hard road…I battled with it for a couple years, not really knowing what my emotions were doing or why I was so different from… pretty much.. all of my friends… I love, with all my heart, any I may choose to give it…This doesn’t mean that there can’t be just one person, but who would understand that if I told them that I have the capacity to love another simultaneously. No, I don’t fit into your hetero-normative box…but, this is my secret for now until there is someone who will accept me for that…

Wow…way too many. My most recent adventure: I bought a 750ML bottle of Bacardi Dragon Berry Rum for a night out in big NY. It was for my friend’s engagement party at a club. I was indeed excited to shake what my momma and my poppa gave me on the dance floor, but there was a nice hour on the train first. My brilliant idea: pour some of the 750 into a bottle and pre-game before getting to the club. Genius, right!?!? My friend fills the canteen almost to the got-damn brim…leaving a third left in the newly opened 750ML bottle. My thoughts: “there is no way I’m gonna be able to drink all of this”….grave mistake number 1: doubting myself. I’m outside of the club with a half canteen, knowing that I can’t bring it inside full. Grave Mistake Number 2: Chugging. I remember going into the club… I remember walking around… I remember the fancy faucets in the bathroom… and then….I remember waking up the next morning with a piece of candy in my pocket…. I also woke up phoneless. Apparently I was dancing on everyone. At least I had a good time, right?

This is undoubtedly a question of uncertainty…but because of the time spent and the hardship experienced, I’d classify her as my ex. She was physically beautiful, her hair long with just a caress of brown, eyes brightened as if touched by the sun, body graced with an endowed fortune. Yet, she was bruised, emotions awry from past blemishes of the heart. Her mind was questioning, intents based in paranoia. Yes, she was damaged, just like the rest of us, but broken from the inside out. We were kindred in that respect, sexual beasts bashed by the will of love torn circumstances. But…in the end, we never knew who bore the most bruises for I became distant, she became resentful, we argued. I withdrew, she became confused, we split. My ex…